Pumping Iron: one man’s attempt to live by the government’s health guidelines
As part of its drive to halt the rise of obesity in Britain, the Government has introduced a set of lifestyle suggestions that it claims will get you fitter. Oh really? We decided to put them to the test – with some frightening results…
I put on weight so easily. Yes, I’ll freely admit that I am betrothed to a continental lager who goes by the name of Stella and have a weakness for Saturday night Saag Masalas, but I don’t eat or drink nearly as badly as some of my thinner, fitter chums. It takes four hefty workouts a week and a fair bit of walking to keep my weight down to a technically ‘obese’ 14st 2lbs, but I don’t complain. I did complain however, when the Deputy Editor suggested that I live my life by the Government’s new exercise guidelines for two weeks to see if I lose any weight. I’d read about these guidelines you see, and they looked rubbish.
In March this year, The Health Development Agency (HDA) advised the nation to take at least 30 minutes of exercise five times a week to stay healthy. On the face of it this sounds fine; a bit of a workout most days of the week coupled with the usual heartbeat-quickening activities that punctuate our daily lives would certainly do the job. Besides, we can remember that five a week thing, because it sounds like the five fruit or veg a day motto that even baked bean and chips makers are expounding. However, at the launch of the Government-sponsored incentive, Sir Liam Donaldson, England’s Chief Medical Officer, went on to explain that “the 30 minutes of physical activity necessary can be built up in bouts of 10 minutes or more. For example, it can be made up of 10-minute brisk walks rather than catching the bus for short journeys."
Almost comically, Donaldson’s incentive says some routine chores can go a long way towards improving people's health. Vacuuming and mowing the lawn using a power mower both constitute moderate physical activity. DIY also gets his approval. Painting and decorating can get the heart pumping, as does taking the kids to the local park. There’s even something in the report about getting active in the bedroom. Technically this means I’m going to get paid by my Deputy Editor to have energetic sex with my wife. I don’t know how she’ll feel about this but I feel dirty already…
Day one
Weight: 14st 2lbs
I usually go to the gym today, but I enjoyed the day off. I won’t pretend that I used the time constructively and spent my spare hour and a half catching up on work or investing in my marriage. I went to the pub and gulped down great mouthfuls of fizzy brown booze. However, I did my 30 minutes of exercise by walking up and down the stairs at work (I have an office on the 12th floor) three times. I felt moderately tested by the task and after all, express 30 minute workouts are becoming common in most gyms. As Nick Hudson explains: “Five 30 minute workouts are going to be more beneficial to your health than two 75 minute sessions. That’s because if you are constantly subjecting your body to exercise – taxing your body more than it’s used to – it will have to adapt. And this is precisely the process that makes you fitter.”
Day two
Weight: 14st 3lbs
Obviously 30 minutes of stair climbing doesn’t negate the effects of a gallon of booze. Usually I’d remedy the situation by undertaking an intense gym-based workout to sweat out the carb- and calorie-laden toxins. But this was not an option. As public health minister Melanie Johnson explains: "Physical activity does not necessarily mean pumping iron at the gym, but undertaking activities like walking a bit more, or gardening." In an effort to please Melanie I hacked at the undergrowth for a bit; I didn’t exactly work up a sweat, but I worked out where the kids had hidden my trainers.
Day three
Weight: 14st 2lbs
Today I worked out that walking ‘briskly’ to work is not an enjoyable experience. For a start you look like a fleeing shoplifter and you work up a back sweat that really requires a shower and a change of shirt to be socially acceptable. And call me old fashioned, but I like to huff and puff a bit after I’ve exercised, it makes me feel like I’ve achieved something. I can’t see how a mere 30 minutes of exertion will get the nation fit, but Professor Chris Riddoch of the London Institute of Sport and Exercise says the number has emerged from studies published since the 1950s. The half-hour recommendation is also psychologically easier to contemplate, says Hudson. "Reducing the length of exercise time increases the likelihood that people will adhere to their fitness programme. And when we are dealing with a nation that does bugger all, that can only be a good thing.”
Day four
Weight: 14st 4lbs – two pounds in a day? Is that possible?
My body was pleading for exercise today, it said: “look, no one will have to know if you have 40 minutes on the treadmill.” I feel like I’ve been on holiday eating chips and pasties and need to get back in my routine. To spite myself I did absolutely nothing, worked from home in my pants and ate ice cream.
Day five
Weight: 14st 4lbs
To do two days of no exercise whatsoever is pretty tricky. I can slob around for one day in your underwear and not feel the shame, but to not exert myself for just 30 minutes out of an entire day is plain wrong.
Day six
Weight: 14st 3lbs
I had to go the gym. I’d been feeling quite low and my stress levels were rising and I wasn’t good to be around. So it was either 40 minutes of cross training followed by some ab crunches or a lost night in the pub with the paper again. And besides, I’ve got to build up my strength – the missus is demanding action.
Day seven
Weight: 14st 4lbs – eh?
The wife won’t thank me for sharing this (and I’m not all that comfortable myself), but 30 minutes of energetic lovemaking is often beyond me. I mean, I can do half an hour of action, but that often involves general lazing around coupled with weak hand movements, finished by short bursts of vigorous exertion. HOWEVER, tonight I bashed away like a chimp with an itch for exactly 32 minutes 12 seconds (thanks to some groovy anaesthetising condoms). AND I can prove it; my Dep. Ed asked me to videotape the entire session “journalistic integrity and all that,” he said. I’m starting to worry about him…
Day eight
Weight: 14st 4lbs
Woke up feeling a bit shaky this morning and the wife’s gave me a few funny looks over breakfast. I wonder if she thinks I’m having an affair… Exercise wise, I did nothing. However, I did reacquaint myself with my other ‘woman’ Stella.
Day nine
Weight: 14st 4lbs
The extra two pounds has hung around long enough, it has to go. I doubled up on the guidelines today and walked to the park, where I “played actively” with my children. The trouble was, as any parent knows, when you play enthusiastically with your own kids, all the other neglected children in the park want a piece of you. Not that I minded, I ended up playing footie with some sixth formers. It was a guilty pleasure, running about in the sun, working up a sweat and feeling my lungs expand almost fully, but a welcome one. Showed them chaps a thing or two about tackling properly, too.
Day ten
Weight: 14st 3lbs
OK, the weight’s going in the right direction, so I thought I’d have another crack at those 12 flights of stairs. I got a decent kick from the aerobic exertion and my calf muscles felt tested last time, but today I just felt weak. I had to stop and get the lift on the eighth floor. And then I attempted a repeat performance with the wife – this time without the condoms. I wasn’t so successful.
Day eleven
Weight: 14st 3lbs
Today I had a revelation: if gardening would do the job, then surely housework would to. The wife was delighted when I began vigorously ironing some really dry denim, but she was ultimately disappointed when I stopped after 30 minutes blaming “damned red tape and the fact that I had to stick to my brief.”
Day twelve
Weight: 14st 4lbs
The ironing did me no good whatsoever. I started to feel low again and to make matters worse, today was my scheduled ‘day off’. I made it through the day without so much as a gentle stroll to the corner shop, but I caught myself running up to the toilet more times than was strictly necessary. And when I retired to bed at the end of the day my ab cradle looked kinda lonely in the corner of the room. It looked like it needed some action, and so did my physique for that matter. I’ve only put on two pounds but my (admittedly slightly flabby torso) has sunk further towards my toes and my – ahem - man boobs have become more pointy. But good pointy.
Day thirteen
Weight: 14st 4lbs
I was back ‘in the zone’ today. Well, I say zone… if you call getting off a perfectly comfy bus just to walk for ten minutes before getting back on the next one and continuing the journey. Yes, I looked and felt daft, but at least I didn’t get into the office looking like I’d played squash in my shirtsleeves. To make up my 30 minutes I did the same thing on the way home and walked around the block after dinner. Interestingly, the figure of "30 minutes" is not arbitrary -many international bodies, including the World Health Organization, the Centres for Disease Control and Prevention, the UK and US governments, agree that 30 minutes a day is the minimum amount of exercise needed to protect you from major diseases.
Day fourteen
Weight: 14st 5lbs
Oh joy, another pound on the frame and another gym-free day, but Paul Streets, chief executive of the HDA, didn’t empathise: "Many people waste energy feeling guilty for not going to the gym, when instead they should think about what activity they can do easily and just do it." Er, thanks Mr Streets. Plus, to make matters worse I did my half-hour without even realising that I was doing it. I cleaned the car with my daughters, mowed the lawn rooted around in the shed for a paddling pool and it was only when I was blowing it up that I realised that I’d been ‘hard at it’ for over an hour. But boy, did it feel good to get those lungs working. Still, the day was not lost. I sank into the paddling pool with a couple of tins of K19: The Widowmaker and later got those fancy condoms out again. Result.
To be fair, the government guidelines aren’t aimed at regular Men’s Fitness readers (or writers for that matter), they’re aimed at the third of the population who do, as Professor Chris Riddoch of the London Institute of Sport and Exercise describes it: “bugger all”. And as Riddoch, explains, they don’t have to endure blood, sweat and tears to experience health benefits. "Just getting up from your office seat and going for a brisk walk will quadruple your metabolic rate.”
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