Scriptwriting
I’m an experienced scriptwriter, having produced television promos and links, corporate speeches and advertising scripts for several high profile clients. My latest contract involves writing links for EMAP Performance TV’s music channel, The Hits. This involves putting words into Tara Palmer Tomkinson’s mouth. Words like this:
(Pre-promote upcoming show – maximum 20 seconds)
TARA: Two dozen pairs of obscenely tight Spandex trousers. Six gallons
of poodle-strength perm lotion. Four industrial-sized cans of face
paint. One monstrously long tongue. Put them all together and what
do you get? The 50 Greatest Old School Rock Anthems, that’s what.
And they’re coming up in a tick on The Hits. Only a carpet fire
will get your feet stomping harder.
(Pre-promote upcoming show – maximum 25 seconds)
TARA: While
stumbling around in the dim basement of Hits Towers, we happened upon
a locked trunk stacked with videos by artists such as the Spice Girls,
Aqua and Vanilla Ice. Each and every one of them was face-chewingly
awful, but they were also curiously compelling at the same time. Be
mesmerized by their undeniable cheesy brilliance later on The Hits
with Awful But We Love it: Top 100.
(Smart link – maximum 30 seconds)
TARA: When they’re not belting out
karaoke tunes to Welsh pub goers, Charlotte Church and Will Young have
day jobs. Well, not proper jobs – Will doesn’t work as
a plumber or anything, and you certainly won’t find Lottie behind
the till in your local off licence. No, their jobs involve turning
music into gleaming pop gold. Next up on The Hits, two nuggets of 24-carat
bullion in the form of Will’s latest tune and Charlotte’s
huge summer smash, Crazy Chick.
(Interactivity maximum 30 seconds)
TARA: We could have hired a troupe of circus chimpanzees to choose
the videos on The Hits, but we knew that you’d make a much better
job of it. And you wouldn’t make such a mess of the carpet. Keep
the chimps out of a job by calling 09056 525 777 and selecting a video.
For a full rundown of the biggest sounds around, go to teletext page
150.
Smart link (maximum 30 seconds)
TARA: Currently making his acting debut in Mrs Henderson Presents,
Will Young’s also made a top banana new video to accompany his
latest tune, Switch It On. Inspired by the Tom Cruise film, Top Gun,
it features jet planes and a selection of moustaches that would put
the Italian women’s Olympic wrestling team to shame. Stay right
where you are, it’s up later on The Hits.
Smart link (maximum 40 seconds)
TARA: If we’d have asked Gordon Ramsay to knock us up a pot
of pop soup, he’d have no doubt conjured up a recipe using only
the freshest hits. We didn’t ask him in the end because we knew
he’d shout at us, but what we did do is whip up our own delicious
winter warmer. Coming up next, The Hits serves up a bowl of steaming
hot chart-busters featuring lean chunks of Madonna, a prime cut of
Robbie Williams, some freshly chopped Rob Thomas and a delicious swirl
of Gwen Stefani.
If you would like to commission Sim to write for you, please click here or call +44 (0)7887 587402.
Alternatively, if you’d like to summon up one of today’s freshest hit music videos and have it shoved down the wires at the back of your telly cube for your viewing pleasure, then pick up the phone and call 09056 525 777 – it’s just a pound from a BT landline.
Sorry, force of habit.
